A Tale of Twin Hexes

The chronicle concerning the divine melding of Marcus and Joanne has its roots firmly seated in arcane and forgotten folklore, therefore accounts vary greatly depending upon whom is inquired.

Some (fools mostly) testify to their souls first crossing paths on the set of a shitty independent movie filmed in the heart of Southern California’s San Fernando Valley in the summer of CE 2012. These accounts are not to be believed, revealed instead to be falsehoods spread by sympathizers to an ancient and sinister cult to mask the truth behind this union. The truth, discovered inscribed on ancient clay tablets by a humble scribe called Michael Williams (Best Man) and his apprentice Heather Hunn (Matron of Honor), is far more ominous revealing a cosmic prophecy that, if left ignored, could have spelled doom for us all. Marcus and Joanne were both in fact born and subsequently bound under a mysterious planetary alignment resulting in a hex cast upon them by a malevolent being from the deep recesses of space. For the entirety of their lives Marcus and Joanne had been cursed to bring about unimaginable destruction and misery to all they crossed paths with so long as they remained separated. Each of them had navigated the throes of their lives blissfully unaware of the carnage caused by the earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, droughts, floods, polar vortexes and wars they left if their dual wakes.

In hopes of placating the devilish being hidden amongst the stars and restoring balance to Earth, Michael and Heather enlisted a knight, Ser Salmun Mousavi the Bold, and a wizard, Nicole Rivera the Shortround, before setting out with their fellowship on a perilous journey wrought with unforeseen dangers to discover the lost souls of Marcus and Joanne before the world broke apart under the weight of their separation. After slaying all the members of the intergalactic warlock’s cult and the subsequent years spent following the twin trails of woe our heroes finally tracked down Marcus and Joanne, promptly setting them up on a sushi date. They ate their sushi. They sipped their sake. They regaled one another with tails of their tumultuous lives. They fell in love. With this joyous spark the Earth let out a great sigh of relief. The ground on which they sat stopped shaking. The lava flows cooled. The tsunamis receded. The wars and screaming slowly gave way to cheers and celebration. The lock and key to the hopes of all beings on the planet had finally come together. The world would finally know peace.